he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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