I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
