either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize