first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
