so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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