What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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