i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
