Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
