I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
