Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
