Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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