eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I want her autograph on my taint
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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