I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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