My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
