I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
