Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Congratulations! We have a period
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
