Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
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I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
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My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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