I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
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I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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