dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
