He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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