I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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