One girl and one boy is just not enough.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
