I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
