after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
