I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
