i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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