If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
