I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
