I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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