He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
