i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
