hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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