Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
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I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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