I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
