3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
