he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
