He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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