Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
