I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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