I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
