you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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