my mouth tastes like poor choices
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
