Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
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I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
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DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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