I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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