I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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