I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
