i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
