he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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