Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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