I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
