It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
