i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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