I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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