You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
