we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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