Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
