Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
