Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
