making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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