Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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